I hang around until the tail end of parties and watch others leave, I don't head out the door with a crowd still behind me. If I did that, my back would feel all exposed. Not like someone was about to shoot me from behind; like... like when your skin is all sensitized and reaching to be touched.

I used to imagine I could see with my skin, through my clothes and everything. I'd feel different stepping on a dark brick than on a light one, and I'd imagine that with my eyes closed I could still tell the difference (and actually I'd make an effort to balance, to step on the same number of dark bricks with each foot).

With my eyes turned away I know there are people behind me, and the skin on my back doesn't want to leave them there. They're warmth, and the air is cold.

I can't turn my back on people and walk away.
I only just realized this.

I mean this fairly literally. If I see someone off, I'm always watching until they're out of view. If they see me off, I do the same thing. I think it's supposed to be a simple thing. You turn your back, out of sight, out of mind, and you're on to the next thing.

Not that you callously forget them, just... just you can stop. You can change mental gears and engage something or someone else. Right? Is that how it works?

I don't know how it works. I haven't learned it. I watch people ride away in buses when they've already dismissed from their minds the fact that I was there. I need to watch them leave, or there's a space to my side where I expect to see them when I turn around. tweaked 990831