the problem with my life, as i see it, is that i'm too unconsciously hopeful and consciously hopeless. the conscious part goes something like: it's extremely unlikely that some miracle is going to happen that will result in eternal happiness (since it hasn't already), and i'm bad at relationships, and the people i'm instinctively drawn to by and large make me miserable. which is a depressing reality. but the unconscious part makes me cling to threads -- hopes that people have changed, hopes that this new person will actually work out, even in the back of my mind some vain hope that people will fall in love with me again -- which is also depressing, since invariably it results in disappointment.
so i end up with lost weeks like this one. i've gotten a lot better at managing my mental state over the years, and hopefully these weeks no longer stretch into months or years, but the combination of hopelessness and disappoinment -- a rare schizophrenic trick -- is quite simply devastating. on the bright (?) side it's a long weekend, so it will be disproportionately ruining my free time and not my job, where incidentally i have the same bad combination: unconsciously i think that everything i do will work out and am crestfallen when it doesn't, while consciously i think that i suck at it, which is an awfully stark reality.
i'm of coures not blaming anyone for this. this is my fault: i'm configured poorly, and i make extremely poor decisions which amplify and propagate the disappointment and hopelessness. the funny thing, of course, is how many people presumably envy my life and dashing good looks. i'm not going to lie: it's a great place to be, objectively, and i don't know that the attributes which allowed me to effect this life are really correlated with the ones that torpedo my enjoyment of it. i fully admit that blowing it is an extremely ungrateful reaction to the good hand i've been dealt. i guess when you've been dealt four of a kind and you trade in four cards to try to pull a royal flush, you aren't really allowed to complain.
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