for the second time in my life, i've found a subjunctive instant replay of myself. the words are crude and i don't mean to convey what their cultural connotation has become, but it's the way i would be if i grew up in a different environment.
there are a lot of people who i think about constantly, a lot more than they perhaps think. some people are so powerful or so emotionally significant that they etch an indelible image in my mind. the symbols so entwined with my brain that they're picked up by a lot of stimuli, whether it be sad music or sunsets or life.
objectively, i am probably a cad. i've dated, what, eleven people now? a lot more than someone less ambitious than i might have done. but in a way the implication is the other way; it's because they're so individually important to me that i've dated so many of them. because each one rejuvenates my hope of the unknown, my hope of the surprise that i know is out there. well, not everyone; some really do have no significance, like yvette and jean.
i'm rarely reminded of margaret, but i was today when samantha riesenfeld materialized. i had been given advance warning, but it was still a shock to see her. small world, i guess. and if her, why not margaret? who's to say that i won't run into margaret on the street tomorrow, and that we won't get dinner and talk and go walk on the marina and arrange to go skydiving this weekend and who knows?
perhaps telling of my enduring childish nature is that i have no idea how to deal with people who don't pay attention to me. no idea how to deal with people who, through no fault of my own, don't understand what i am, don't understand that i can say things like this without being arrogant. there aren't many; most people who administer the lesson don't have the stubborn, irrational nature to stick with it, and most people who genuinely don't see any spark in me i emotionally realize aren't worth the investment.
i wonder if the reason i'm as popular as i am is because everyone sees that spark and tries to shape it to fit their own goals. the theory being that i have the energy, i have the potential, and if you just stick it out eventually it will flow into the container that you present it. i don't think a lot about what other people's motivations are with respect to me.
there's something weird with jeremy and me which i think says a lot about humanity. jeremy and i spend a lot of time analyzing others, talking about people, sharing insights. but the thing is that i rationally know that he's looking at me in the same way and maybe talking to other people (if he has analogues) about me in the same way, and he must rationally know the same about me. except neither of us thinks about that. there's no level of suspicion, there's nothing held back, there's no worry about being inadequate.
this is the special something that i think i'm capable of, that i think everyone's capable of. on the surface it seems very difficult; apply rational thought to situations, but when you're actually in the situations just let it flow. doing the analysis afterwards. not reducing human interactions to dots and boxes. that's why all of these people are individually so special to me.
because they are. i haven't learned much over the years, but i think i've gotten less clingy, less outwardly obsessive. i've learned that what i used to display isn't an accurate translation of my feelings into the way the world is interpreted by people, and that i was essentially misusing language, something that adrienne once told me in one of those almost-offhand comments that just makes everything click.
rather, what's going on in my head is that at every second i feel like i'm obsessing about something. but the something changes. it's affected by the music in the background and the train of thought's fuel gauge and if i'm asleep or awake. it's my way of giving 100% to a cause; it's not always on my mind, but when it is it's the only thing on my mind. it's why i think i can write a thesis this summer.
i've gotten into the rather nasty habit of baiting people into proving that they care about me. it's nasty because it's stupid and because if they don't i've set myself up to be a dunce.
all right, sleep. i'm a morning person now. ciao.
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